Christmas Without A Soul
by morgana07
Summary: Sam struggles thru Christmas while missing his soul when he comes across something that helps remind him of both himself and what was important.  Soulless/still helpful!Sam / Frustrated/Big brother!Dean


**Christmas Without A Soul**

**Summary: **_Sam struggles thru Christmas while missing his soul when he comes across something that helps remind him of both himself and what was important. __Soulless/still helpful!Sam / Frustrated/Big brother!Dean_

**Tags: **None really

**Spoilers/Warnings: **_Happens sometime in Season 6 before Sam gets his soul back. Warning of some mild language._

**Disclaimer: **_I don't own the boys or anything to do with Supernatural. This is just for entertainment._

**Author Note: **_A holiday story from Season 6 which shows Robo-Sam struggling with Christmas._

**SPN SPN SPN SPN SPN**

"Because it's Christmas, Sam! That used to mean something to you!"

"Everything used to mean something to me, Dean. I'm not that guy right now so that means why should I pretend to enjoy something that just seems to be another day to me?"

Sam Winchester could still see the look of pain, of real hurt, enter his older brother's eyes a moment before they shuttered and Dean turned away with a muttered growl and stormed out of their motel room before anything else could be said.

A brief flash of regret entered Sam but was gone even as he heard the Impala roar off. He failed to understand why his older brother was making such a big deal about this.

Dean knew from the moment they learned why Sam was so distant, so unfeeling, so…cold that he failed to care about the same things as he had before he went into the Cage with Lucifer and Michael. Before he came back out minus a soul.

It had been a few weeks since that discovery had been made and a few days since Sam had admitted to his brother that he really had no feelings for anyone including Dean but that he did want to find a way to get his soul back.

The Winchesters had come to the location of one of their Dad's old storage buildings to see if maybe in his years of hunting John Winchester had picked up anything useful in the returning of a body's soul but didn't find anything in Sam's opinion but useless junk even though something way back in a corner did tug at his memory.

Choosing to walk while Dean was out, Sam ignored the cold and frigid air and the foot of snow as he cut through the city park on his way to the storage unit.

The trees were covered in snow and lights but Sam also ignored that. He accepted that his old self loved the season even if Christmas still had lost a lot of meaning the year he'd been eight and learned what his Dad really did for a living but still Sam knew he'd enjoyed the snow, the lights, the sounds of children…

It was that sound that drew his attention. Tuning out the laughing, playing children in the nearby playground, Sam's hunter trained ears zeroed in on another sound. A sound that managed to pull him even without a soul because he still remembered making that sound in his own youth, the sound of a child crying from deep inside.

Slowing down, Sam took a side path to see a boy of about eight sitting alone in a ragged old thinning jacket sobbing his eyes out as he rubbed his hands together as if to keep them warm.

Brief and bitter memories surfaced before Sam pushed them down as he approached the boy cautiously, still too much in hunter mode to even trust a child.

Getting a better look now, Sam noticed the boy didn't appear to be a street kid because he was still too clean for that even though his clothes showed more wear than normal. It was the little things that bothered Sam, like the way the boy shivered in the too thin coat or the holes that were just starting to wear in his jeans.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked, seeing the boy jump at the unexpected voice and was quick to show his hands were empty. "Easy, I won't hurt you," he assured him, seeing the caution in dark brown eyes that looked older than what a kid this age should have but again Sam felt a familiar sensation building. "I heard you crying and just wanted to see if you were hurt or needed…"

"I'm fine," came the soft reply even as the wind blew and the boy seemed to shiver. "Just...my brother told me that Santa didn't exist and…our dad's not home and…"

Memories of a similar feeling hit him and Sam brushed the snow off the bench to sit down, taking the gloves he wasn't using out of his pocket to hand them to the boy and didn't miss the look of caution that was shot his way. "I won't hurt you, kid," he promised, nodding to the gloves. "Just put them on before you get frostbite."

Sam, despite not having a soul or very many feelings, did have his memories even if he didn't have the emotions that went with them. He recalled being this boy's age. He recalled being cold, frightened, missing his Dad and the night Dean told him finally that Santa didn't exist because their Dad hadn't come home and he didn't know where to get presents from since his last attempt at presents had bombed big time.

"Your brother told you that?" he saw the choppy nod but also caught the tiny hand encased in his glove that reached up to wipe a runny nose. "How old are you…?"

"Joey and I'm eight," the boy replied, sniffling as he tried to pull his jacket tighter against the cold but with the zipper busted it was hard to keep closed. "My brother Dean is twelve and our Dad works outta town to make money but he's late coming home and…"

The rambling words seemed to run together but Sam smiled as something gelled. "I have a big brother named Dean too," he told the boy, taking off his jacket after checking the pockets and wrapping the smaller child up in it. "I'm Sam. Where is your brother?"

Pointing to a store across the street, Joey's bottom lip trembled in a way Sam could remember very well and guessed what the brother was doing. "He's trying to sweep floors so Mr. Faitti will pay enough to buy some food since the money Dad left us ran out."

"Huh," Sam remember Dean taking odd jobs for that reason though he also knew his brother had also done other things in order to make sure that he had food every night even though Dean would go days with nothing. "Where's your Mom, Joey?" he asked cautiously, seeing the eyes drop and feeling his stomach drop too.

"Ma died when I was a baby Dad said," the boy murmured, shrugging as he looked up at the tall man with brown hair and hazel eyes who had sat beside him. "It's mostly just me and my brother since Dad works all the time but…this year all the extra money went to the clinic cause I got sick and…"

"Joey!" a sharp voice in the tone only a freaked older brother could use shouted and while the boy's head jerked up Sam merely shifted his eyes then smiled thinly.

The older brother was tall for twelve but with short black hair, deep green eyes and a coat that was in worse shape than the smaller boy's. What drew Sam's attention was the deep look of protection that was shot his way as the kid neared the bench to glare at him.

"Who're you and what're you doin' with my brother?" he demanded, hand going to a much smaller shoulder when he seemed to noticed the coat and gloves. "Joey, what I say about taking stuff from strangers and…"

"He was cold and I don't need the stuff," Sam replied easily, recognizing the caution in the older boy because he could remember it in his own brother at this age…or any age really since Dean could still show that side when he wasn't thinking about it. "I'm Sam and you're…Dean."

As green eyes narrowed, the smaller boy gripped his hand in a way to get attention which was something else Sam recalled doing at that age. "He's got a big brother named Dean too!" he seemed to find that exciting as he tugged on the hand. "Did you get anything?"

"Uh, yeah but I'll get some stuff after I get you home," the boy hedged in a way that warned Sam that he hadn't been paid for the time spent sweeping and he was working on another plan to get food for his brother.

A closer look at this kid told the hunter that while his older brother had grown up knowing how to survive, how to steal and how to manage to keep them alive, this boy didn't have that knowledge and one slip up would leave Joey without anyone to shield him from the predators out in the world.

"Joey, wait here a second," Sam winked at the smaller boy while nodding his head to his brother to step away from the bench and again he caught the wariness in the other set of eyes that watched him like a hawk. "I know you don't trust me and I have a brother who at your age wouldn't have trusted me either but…" he paused to reach into his jeans for his wallet and removed all but twenty dollars of the cash he had. "Take this and buy the food you need," he urged, looking at the frayed sneakers that both boys wore. "Use the rest of get some clothes or whatever you need just steer clear of stealing because he needs you."

Staring at the cash in his hand, the boy then stared at Sam as if unsure. "What…what do you want?" he demanded, shifting to the balls of his feet as if he'd need to bolt because he'd learned early on that most people didn't do anything without a reason. "He's just a kid but…"

Blinking, Sam was then reminded of just how much his brother had done and risked to shield him growing up and he dropped down so he was eye level with the boy. "I was a kid like Joey once and I had a big brother who would do anything, try anything to keep me fed, warm and keep a roof over my head. I don't want him growing up like I did and…" he paused to look back at Joey before adding. "…and let him keep believing in Santa because he's too innocent to lose that this early so don't let this crap rob either of you of that."

Dean stared at the stranger before pocketing the money and nodding. "Your brother…are you still close or…?" he stopped when he saw hazel eyes shift.

"I let crap come between us and I hurt him today by saying something I shouldn't have but I still…love my brother and I know he'd still do anything to keep me safe," Sam was surprised at the lump he felt at those words and then he realized he really did mean them. "Keep each other safe and don't let anyone tear you apart because that little boy looks up to you…like I still look up to mine," he murmured, suddenly knowing what he needed to do. "Thanks, kid."

"For what?" the older boy asked, reaching for his smaller brother's hand still encased in the larger gloves. "Hey, don't you want your stuff back?" he called as the tall man started off.

"For helping me see what's still important even if I don't feel it like I used to," Sam replied then shook his head. "No, keep 'em. You might need them one day or something. Get in before it gets too cold and…Merry Christmas!"

Joey held on to his brother before nudging him. "Was he an Angel, Dean?" he asked quietly, remembering his brother said only Angels brought miracles.

"Maybe, kid," Dean admitted, hoping the strange man who had found his brother managed to find what he seemed to be looking for that night as well.

Sam had hurried to the storage building to find what he'd seen when he and Dean had been there earlier then he headed back to the motel after a few more brief stops. The one thing he wanted most was in his duffel bag which he'd finally removed from the Impala that morning with the odd desire to clean it out even though Dean seemed hesitant about that.

As he set things up quickly so they'd be done before Dean got back, he eyed the duffel. He hadn't touched it since hooking back up with Dean to hunt and came to realize that Dean was leery of him cleaning it out because that duffel was Dean's last connection to Sam when he'd still been the emotional little brother he felt he'd lost.

Considering it, the younger Winchester discarded the idea of sorting through it right then in favor of finding what he'd placed in a side pocket for his brother to find when he went through it. Pulling the small box out, Sam's fingers touched the letter he'd also written for Dean when he spotted a note with his name on it.

Considering his timeframe and deciding that Dean had probably stopped for a drink before returning, he sat on the bottom of his mostly unused bed to open the note only to frown when he realized it was from Dean to him and had been written last Christmas when his brother believed he was still in the Cage.

"'_Sammy, it's Christmas now and I still haven't figured a way to get you outta that damn hole. I never really promised I wouldn't try or that I'd go to Lisa but I did the last one but I'll never stop on the other unless it becomes plain that I can't then…well, that's Plan B._

"'_I'm sticking this in your duffel in case you…ever do come back after…well, just after so you'll know a few things. Namely, I'm proud of you. Oh, I know you've been a pain in my ass a lot of the time but that never meant I wasn't proud of you, Sammy. I wish I could've given you the normal life you wanted and I do regret taking that away from you the night I came to Stanford. You became a hellava hunter and while I wish you hadn't I wouldn't have wanted anyone else riding beside me and covering my back than my little brother._

"'_I'm also putting in your Christmas present. I meant to give it to you last year but well, we sort of missed Christmas with all the Apocalypse crap ridin' over our heads. You'll probably give me one of those patented Sammy eyerolls but I know Dad would want you to have it because he always laughed when you'd reach for it as a chubby kid._

"'_I'm givin' it until your birthday to find a way to break you loose and then I'm parkin' the Impala at Bobby's and if I can't find a Hellhound I guess my .45 will work the same way but no matter how hard I try the normal 9-to-5 life I can't do it much longer. You were the last thing I had that needed me…even when you didn't and I can't do this while knowing you're stuck down there with those two bastards so…I'll either get you out or join you or…both._

"'_Chick flick time, little brother. I never told you enough that I was proud of you, that you grew up into a good man, and that I loved you. Sure, I wanted to pound you a few times but that's what big brothers do…that and make sure little brothers live a safe and happy life. Sort of screwed up the last one but I will fix that, Sam. I will get you back._

"'_If you're readin' this then I hope I did it and I hope you're safe. Go get the Impala, watch out for Bobby and take care of yourself, Sammy…and don't you dare jack my car again or I will so haunt your ass. Merry Christmas, Sam. Dean.'"_

Unaware of the wetness on his face, Sam stared from the paper in his hand to the carved wooden box he took out of his duffel that he faintly recalled seeing in his Dad's stuff as a kid. Surprised by the lump in his throat that was caused by the letter, he understood what Dean had been saying and realized that it had only been two weeks before May 2nd that the Djinn had attacked his brother which forced Sam to reveal himself.

Sam had been watching his brother on and off before that and had seen the change in him. He'd seen how different his brother had been getting yet he hadn't considered that Dean would actually either try to open the Cage to free him or…kill himself if he couldn't.

Dropping his eyes to the box, he opened the lid with fingers that he realized were shaking only to feel his breath catch at the sight of the silver pocket watch that he knew if he opened the lid would have a photo of his Mother and the Marine logo engraved on the top.

"Huh," he murmured, taking it out to open it and for the first time since waking up after the Cage felt an emotion tingling deep inside as he saw that Mary Winchester's photo had been replaced by one of him and Dean but this was a newer one, taken just shortly after Sam realized he'd left Stanford.

Experience taught him that the photo had been taken with a long range camera which meant John Winchester hadn't been too far from his sons at some point and that also brought back memories for Sam but his deepest ones were of listening to this watch put him to sleep as a baby, especially after the fire.

"Dad always said you'd know how to tell time before you could talk."

Burning eyes still locked on the watch, Sam swallowed tightly. "I…thought he'd gotten rid of this or something," he heard the change in his own tone but ignored it in favor of winding the watch to see if it worked and smiled more like his old self when he heard the familiar ticking.

"I found it in a box of stuff in his truck when Bobby and I cleaned it out. I kept the watch for you but…never found a good time to give it to you," Dean replied, tossing his jacket onto his bed while looking around the room.

He'd come back to the motel reluctantly since he didn't want to fight with Sam on Christmas Eve so he'd been surprised to walk in to find the room had been decorated with some cheap strings of lights and a little tree that had seen better days but for Dean they were the best things he'd seen in a long time especially since he knew his currently soulless brother was the one who had put them up.

Surprised that Sam hadn't heard his return, Dean had waited to see what was distracting his brother when he noticed the open duffel, the letter still crumpled in Sam's fist and the watch box that Sam was staring at and knew the kid had been in the duffel and guessed what he'd found.

"I kinda meant to take that letter out," he sighed, sitting the bags of take out on the small table next to the tree while letting his finger flick a tiny air freshener ornament. "Sam…"

Looking up to meet Dean's eyes, Sam knew that while he still couldn't feel or express emotions like he had once but this was the closest he'd come in a year. "Would you have…?"

Wishing he'd gotten to that letter before Sam had seen it, Dean honestly wasn't expecting the question or the quiet undertone he heard in Sam's voice as he nudged him over and sat down. "Yeah, probably," he admitted, seeing his brother's fingers were gently moving over the watch like he would as a kid when their Dad would let him hold it. "I wasn't spending another holiday without you so…yeah, if those Djinn hadn't attacked and you hadn't decided to tell me that you weren't rotting in that Cage then I would've taken off on your birthday. It only seemed right to do it then since that was when it happened last time."

Memories of the clock striking twelve, the sounds of the hellhounds snarling as they ripped into his older brother still made Sam's blood run cold when he felt a hand touch his shoulder in a way that he hadn't since returning. "I'm…sorry I didn't tell you sooner," he whispered, looking up to gaze at Dean and for the first time became aware of the tears in his eyes. "I'm also sorry I made you think I didn't want to spend Christmas with you but…it's just so weird not to feel like I know I should be and…"

"We'll get it back, Sam," Dean promised, confident of this because he knew he'd never give up until he did get his brother's soul back then, knowing that Sam had probably the course of the emotion he could show right then, nodded to the tree. "Where'd you get that?"

Shoving the letter back in his duffel while gently placing the watch back in its box until later, Sam coughed and ran a hand over his face. "It was the last one in a lot on my back from the storage unit and the guy sold it for five bucks," he shrugged then ducked his head like he would before but wasn't aware of it. "I sort of gave my money to two kids for food and warm clothes so that was all I could get and…"

Watching Sam closely, Dean noticed little changes in his brother. Nothing major but just little things that told him that even while soulless his little brother was still inside and that was the best gift he could ever have this year.

"You gave your money away?" he didn't seem too surprised since it was something Sam would've done, even though Robo-Sam didn't seem like the type.

"They were too much like we used to be, Dean and I…know what it's like to be a little kid looking up to my big brother," Sam replied quietly, reaching behind him for the other item he'd pulled from his duffel before standing slowly to turn with the package held out. "I also know how much you tried to keep me safe, warm, and fed and this kid just didn't have your skills so…I gave the money to them."

"Big brothers are supposed to do that stuff, Sam," Dean went to shrug when he took the small newspaper wrapped box. "What's this?"

Stepping back to give Dean both space and time to accept this, Sam shrugged. "I was going to get you another magazine and oil for the car but then I realized you hadn't found this in my bag so…" he nodded to what his brother was unwrapping. "Next year I'll get you something better."

About to say that next year he'd just be happy to have Sam's soul back inside him, Dean's eyes caught the glint of the Christmas lights as they reflected off of what was in the box. Looking down, he felt his heart skip a moment before he hands shook and he gingerly took the small gold amulet out to hold it up to the light much like he'd done the Christmas Eve that he'd been twelve and had received this very same gift from his little brother.

"I know you dropped it in the trash because you'd given up on us…on me but I couldn't leave it there, Dean," Sam told him, not aware of how his own hands were shaking at the thought of his brother's reaction to this gift and wishing for the first time that he could still feel fully. "I took it out of the trashcan because I was hoping you'd want it back one day and I put it in my duffel so you'd find it when you cleaned it out but you never looked in it and…"

"If I didn't touch that duffel then a part of you were still with me," Dean explained shakily, slipping the black cord back over his head to allow the amulet to fall back against his chest and felt a huge weight lift then he shoved up from the bed to do something that he knew wouldn't or couldn't be returned fully yet but needing to do it just the same. "I'm giving you an IOU for free chick flick moments as soon as I beat that damn demon to get your soul back but until then humor me," he declared, pulling a surprisingly unresisting Sam in for a hug and Dean was only a little shocked when he felt it returned. "You can still be an awesome little brother."

Sam hadn't been sure what to expect from his brother since he knew Dean didn't trust him fully right then but the moment he felt himself tugged forward he gave in to the building emotions that he could feel to return the gesture while silently vowing to one day soon take his brother up on that IOU marker. "Next year'll be better," he whispered almost to himself when he felt a hand squeeze his neck.

"I'll have that soul back before your birthday, Sammy," Dean promised, sure of that since he was now more determined than ever to do that because he'd seen the little glimpses of his brother's emotions shining through and knew they just needed a jumpstart. "We good?"

Knowing that things wouldn't be fully good between then until he got his soul back and he found a way to make up for what he'd allowed to happen to his brother recently, Sam accepted that tonight was as good as it could be and so he nodded slowly. "Yeah, we're good, Dean," he assured his brother, feeling the hand squeeze his neck a final time before the smell of food got to be too much and Dean headed to find plates. "You get pie?"

"Sammy, this is me," Dean scoffed, rolling his eyes while tossing a roll at his brother's head while also noticing that he'd be buying his brother a new jacket and gloves the next day but not mentioning it as he watched Sam return to their Dad's pocket watch to stare at the photo in the lid. "Merry Christmas, Sam."

Flipping the lid closed to slip it into his pocket, Sam looked up to smile fully for the first time in a long time he knew as he watched the tiny tree glittering and seen the snow begin to fall outside again and knew that while this might his Christmas without a soul, he knew it would also be one he remembered the most. "Merry Christmas, Dean," he returned, accepting the plate even though he knew his brother would hit the pie he bought first and thought he heard bells far off in the distance as he settled in to spend Christmas the only way he ever remembered wanting to spend it. With his brother and the promise of better times to come.

**The End**

**Author Note: **_Another holiday tale…though never let it be said that doing Robo-Sam in a Christmas story is easy. I hope everyone had a wonderful one and you enjoy this tale._


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